Scribbling in the wake of a fight
i wake up every night
to a feeling of stark fear
i try to catch my breath
and hold on to my tear
i’m unable to calm my nerves
i cannot tell it to my brain
a lie that it is alright
cannot stop myself or refrain
i cried myself out last night
i cried myself in vain
started my day with a look at you
and renewed the stinging pain
i really want to speak with you
i need you to be there
but you are on your ego-trip
and nothing is anymore fair
i’m tired of making you right
tired of thinking what has hurt you
tired of being alone and lonely
even though sitting right next to you
i wish you’d become him again
as you have always been
and i shall love you with all my might
and the hurdles will all be seen
i promise i will be with you
forever and a day more
i’ll wait for thy, till thy be my
and we’ll walk together, create a lore
* * *
Today, when I was flipping through the pages of one of my old books, I came across this poem… something I had written a couple years back. Reading the words reminded me of the time… those moments of feeling completely at loss, when I’d wonder how things could take such a turn… those times when I wouldn’t allow myself to realize that it was the end… those times when I would think hard, trying to figure a way out to get things back to normal.
Today in hindsight, I wonder what ‘normal’ is? What is it that we all keep striving towards? Normalcy… Perfection? The perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect relationship, the perfect life! And then when a few hurdles or road blocks come our way, why do few of us give up that easily? But that’s not the worse. What is worse than realizing that HE gave up too easily and wishing that he hadn’t, is the realization that YOU didn’t give up until it was too late. You didn’t give up even though you knew. You waited, far too long, until your love and your attempts at making the relationship work were mistaken, until you were taken for granted, and you had lost respect – yours and his!
Feeling lovelorn & forsaken is truly one of the worst feelings ever. But, what can one do? Can I stop loving… something that comes so naturally? Should I never take a chance at love again? How can I let the fear win? What if the man of my dreams, the guy who is going to make me smile for the rest of my life, is just around the corner? Or maybe around the corner after that..!
“Experience teaches you,” they say. And as I grew up, I did learn. I learnt not to try too hard. I learnt not to let anyone walk over me. I learnt not to love anyone more than I love me.
Unfortunately (or fortunately!), I know it will all stand true only until my heart decides to latch itself on to someone. Until I meet him and see his eyes and get lost in its whirlpool. Until I once again learn to smile. And then, forgetting all the learnings, forgetting all the vows I have taken to ensure I do not ever get hurt again, forgetting to fear the pain and the unknown, I will love him, more than I can ever love me.